Contemplative today...

This seems so weird to sit and write to myself...

But maybe it will help.

I couldn't sleep last night, so many things whirling through my mind. I was exhausted and still tossing and turning. I finally got up at midnight and took a sleeping pill, needless to say after waiting another hour it kicked in and I was able to get to sleep around 1:30 this morning. It was difficult to get up and I almost didn't...I wanted to stay right there in bed with the covers over my head. Feeling like - "What's the point?". But, alas, after hitting the snooze 20 times I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and into that VERY cold shower. That just added to my pissed off mood this morning.

I am in that mood of disliking everyone and everything today. Just angry with life, I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself, hate it, hate it, hate it. It just makes me angrier to feel this way.

I lay in bed last night wondering why I can't cry. I used to be able to but it's an extremely rare feat for me over these past few years. I guess I'm 'all cried out'. I would like to cry, I think it would help release some of this pent-up emotion but I don't know how to get myself to that point. Instead the stress keeps building, I get angrier, and my head and stomach get sicker. Whoa is me, huh? That's even more disgusting.

As I was driving to work I was thinking about what I could do to make myself happy. I am almost 50 years old, my life is passing me by and I can't honestly say I have ever been TRULY happy. What does that feel like? What do I need to do to feel that? If I knew I could probably work towards it but I don't even know myself what would make me happy so I don't know where to begin...

Enough.