Friday...

Well, another work week coming to a close...nothing exciting there, but I'm thankful for the hours and the pay.

I lay in bed at night and think about this writing business, trying to get past the fact that it's just me writing to myself, seems so strange.

Depression has set in again and I'm really fighting it at every turn.

Going home is stressful. It's horrible to dread going to my own apartment, knowing that stress is abundant, I can feel the tension as soon as I open the back door.

I love my daughter so much but I can REALLY see (when she's living with me) how truly spoiled, selfish and self-centered she is. She really does not have ANY respect for me, my things, or my privacy. If she wants it, she takes it, period. If she doesn't get her way, she actually pouts and gets mad, like she's five instead of almost 27. It's my own fault, I do know that, I just don't know what to do to change things. No, I take that back. I do know what to do to change things, I just don't have the backbone to do it. I still care too much about wanting to be loved, not wanting her, or anyone else that I care about to be mad at me, maybe not love me, to do anything to upset her or them. That sucks.

It's going to be a LONG weekend. I'm hoping I can find something to do so that I don't have to be in the house with them all weekend. That's so sad, to not want to be around your own family.

Crap...

Contemplative today...

This seems so weird to sit and write to myself...

But maybe it will help.

I couldn't sleep last night, so many things whirling through my mind. I was exhausted and still tossing and turning. I finally got up at midnight and took a sleeping pill, needless to say after waiting another hour it kicked in and I was able to get to sleep around 1:30 this morning. It was difficult to get up and I almost didn't...I wanted to stay right there in bed with the covers over my head. Feeling like - "What's the point?". But, alas, after hitting the snooze 20 times I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and into that VERY cold shower. That just added to my pissed off mood this morning.

I am in that mood of disliking everyone and everything today. Just angry with life, I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself, hate it, hate it, hate it. It just makes me angrier to feel this way.

I lay in bed last night wondering why I can't cry. I used to be able to but it's an extremely rare feat for me over these past few years. I guess I'm 'all cried out'. I would like to cry, I think it would help release some of this pent-up emotion but I don't know how to get myself to that point. Instead the stress keeps building, I get angrier, and my head and stomach get sicker. Whoa is me, huh? That's even more disgusting.

As I was driving to work I was thinking about what I could do to make myself happy. I am almost 50 years old, my life is passing me by and I can't honestly say I have ever been TRULY happy. What does that feel like? What do I need to do to feel that? If I knew I could probably work towards it but I don't even know myself what would make me happy so I don't know where to begin...

Enough.

Hmmmm...

Friday night I went with Joe, Rodney and friends to Hummel's for drinking and singing our hearts out. It had been a rough week, I'm very stressed with so many people living in my apartment, having a hard time finding a full-time job, finances going down the drain, shall I continue? I don't think so. What's the point is where I'm at right now. No one wants to hear my problems, no one has the time to hear my problems, so I keep them to myself for the most part.

But then Laura looked across the table at me Friday night, motioned me to come sit next to her and she asked me what was going on because I didn't look life I felt good, which I didn't. Next thing I know I'm voicing my woes to her. It felt good to say some of these things out loud to someone who was actually listening, sometimes you just have to have someone to do that with. But after we left and I thought about it, I felt guilty for telling her those things when we were supposed to be having a good time. I sent her an email this morning thanking her for listening and hoping I didn't bring her down but, once again, she was generous and thoughtful in letting me know if I needed to talk she was there.

Some excellent advice she gave me was to write my feelings down. I've never been a writer of feelings so that's a new venture for me. What if I write something that someone reads and it upsets them? Well, then they probably shouldn't be reading what I'm writing, right?

I'm just a mixed-up, confused 49 year old, single woman who keeps going around in circles, the same circles, over and over again while everyone around me (for the most part) moves forward. I try to be happy for everyone, try to treat everyone with love and respect, but sometimes it's hard to keep a smile on my face.

When someone treats my friend with disrespect and they don't want to see it, it's difficult not to draw the line and confront that person who is doing the disprecting. Love blinders are the worst...but, unfortunately, one day it will come to light for that person who is being disrepected, and they will be hurt, and I will be there to comfort them, but I always wish it wouldn't come to that. It's difficult to watch it unfold...

Life goes on regardless...